(photo: Ankan Ghosh Dastider, CC BY-SA 4.0)

dAdlib.ca recently branched out into the world of debate by bringing together leading experts in their fields to wrestle with today’s top issues. The marquee debate pitted me, a dad with five years’ parenting experience, against my five-year-old, a kid with five years’ childing experience. We are proud to bring you the transcript of this intriguing clash of wits.

Moderator: This evening’s proposition is as follows: “Be it resolved that I can have a cookie.” Arguing for the proposition: 5yo.

5yo: I’m done my dinner, I’m ready for a cookie.

Moderator: Thank you. Arguing against the proposition: dAdlib.

dAdlib: Thank you to the organizers for this opportunity to tackle an issue that’s so relevant to our times. Fundamentally, the question we must ask ourselves is this: what role does the cookie play in our lives? Are we eating to sustain or to entertain? The house rules are very clear: we only get dessert after a well-balanced meal. And yet, this rule is vulnerable to such subjectivity: by what authority does the parent claim the exclusive right to judge well-balancedness? I submit that my learned friend has barely touched his chicken, and thus has not met the burden of this house rule. Further, I—

Moderator: Thank you, your time is up. 5yo.

5yo: I’m full, I can’t eat my chicken.

Moderator: Thank you. dAdlib, rebuttal.

dAdlib: My opponent presents us a paradox – he claims to be full, yet also asks for a cookie. Both premises on which his argument is founded cannot be simultaneously true; he asks us to believe both “A” and “not A”. If we—

Moderator: Time.

dAdlib: —If you’re full you can’t have a cookie.

Moderator: Thank you. 5yo, rebuttal.

5yo: I’m NOT full. Look, I took one bite.

dAdlib: That’s still not a balanced meal, protein is important.

5yo: I don’t LIKE this chicken.

dAdlib: We had the exact same meal last week, you liked it then—

Moderator: Gentlemen, please. Order. dAdlib, your closing argument.

dAdlib: Fine. Two more bites.

Moderator: Thank you. 5yo, your closing argument.

5yo: … okaaaaaaay. [sullen chewing] How big do the bites have to be?

Moderator: Thank you, gentlemen. The judges will return with their scores shortly.